where’s my rainbow?
Everyone knows that at the end of the thunderstorm is a rainbow, bold and beautiful. I’m waiting, yet again, for mine. We all have those shitty times that it seems like everything is piling up and nothing seems to go right. Maybe it’s that my cowboy is working nights and Im awake and alone – feeling sorry for myself. I feel like the last 2 months has been nothing but one problem after another. This time it’s beyond just the money and the stupid vehicles not running or my children fighting non stop and backtalking me like crazy. I feel like something is wrong with me. J has been wonderful, putting up with my previous scars and helping me to overcome my abusive feelings of self worth. He helps me with so much, yet in the process we uncover more.
Today was just one of those days, money not there, bills due and the boys screaming at me that they hate me and want their dad. Today J got to see his son for the first time in almost 2 years. Long, and quite heartbreaking story, but I am happy for him. It was a great thing and his son acted like no time had passed and he is beyond happy. So why do I have to ruin it with my retarded brain? Why can’t he wrestle with my boys like that? Does he think less of my little guys because they don’t hunt? I know J was excited and couldn’t stop talking, but everything that came out of his mouth made me feel like he was saying how much better his child is. Yes, he’s such a neat freak, and so polite. I’m sorry my boys have horrid moments with manners and I fight them constantly to pick up after themselves. Oh, he LOVES hunting. I’m sorry my boys are only just getting into it. They aren’t perfect, but they are mine.
The problem with all this thought? None of this even crosses J’s mind. He doesn’t think that way. He loves my boys. He says good morning, goodnight and bye when he goes to work. They hardly EVER say it back.
I hate how my mind automatically goes to these places. It’s like a constant reminder how screwed up I really am. What makes it even worse is that now I have started to recognize how wrong I am with this thought process. That there is no reason for me to worry. That J loves me and my boys with all his heart and is not going anywhere.
Our wedding is less than 2 months away. I should be super excited. Im not. We don’t have the money to pay for it. Unsure what’s going to happen with that. Guess I’ll just wait and see….
I finally told J that I was done talking with him about having a baby. He can’t tell me that he wants one. Ya, he beats around the bush and kind of hints at it, but when I tell him that I need to hear the words from him – he can’t say them. He tells me that he isn’t ready to say it yet, but that he will. After today, I’m not sure I want to anymore. I don’t want that child to take away from his newfound relationship with his son, or with my boys.
I honestly don’t know what I want anymore. I know nothing is perfect and that life always has hills and valleys. But how can I keep trying when all my thoughts do is beat down the good, question the right or make me feel something that isn’t there.
June 8, 2011 at 9:19 am
YEAH OH YEAH, baby. You are right, I really can relate to what you are talking about. I deal with it EVERY DAY, and Bob and I have been together for …5 years. It’s a little different here, B’s got his own issues, and R has his. But oh my god it’s so painful.
YOU ARE NOT WRONG IN FEELING THAT WAY, TRUST YOURSELF FOR F>SAKE. It hurts to know that your children aren’t as perfect, and never will be. It doesn’t mean that J. DOESNT LOVE THEM, of course he does. He may not always LIKE them,
, but love? I’m sure. But you have to know that in his own child there is the maximum idealization of HIS child. The boy he wants him to be, what HE wants to be and isnt, parts of himself in flesh and blood. Maybe his son acts better in many ways, it’s just possible that its true!!!
I have thanked god many times in the past 3.5 years that emma was a girl. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if she had been a boy, the comparison to R would have been even worse. To B, emma can do no wrong, and anything bad is still somewhat ENDEARING to him – as it reminds him of himself. But with R? He’s so often a POS, or made out that way. His faults aren’t endearing, theyre maddening. [to B.]
I have cried about it. And you might cry too. Raising a split-parent family is hard, and it takes a LONG LONG time for a person [no matter how loving and understanding] to truly truly love and understand your children like YOU or their father does.
And I don’t doubt, in the reality of it all, that sometimes J probably wishes that the difficulties werent there. He wouldnt be human otherwise, even if he wont admit it. HELL, as MOTHERS we wonder at times what our lives would be like without them!!!
Go easy, go slow. Remember the word surrender? You are not wrong in how you feel, or fucked up. Life’s hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Prepare yourself, because these feelings will resurface, and you will need to find a realistic way to acknowledge those feelings, and a way to help move yourself through them with grace. <3